I've been sort of a basket case recently. Graduate school applications are all but turned in for the moment, and my future is very up in the air. Hopefully a morning card pull will help to calm me.

Deck: Celtic Dragon Tarot

Card: High Priest

This card jumped out at me while I was shuffling, begging to be seen. It was an odd sort of experience, multiple cards kept falling out of the deck. But this one went far, demanding attention.

For me, this major acarna card always makes me think of someone who is educated. The priest gains his knowledge through learning, and he shows me that I too will have that privilege. He is balanced, calm, and powerful; a lot of traits that I don't feel at present. Yet perhaps more than anyone else, he is who I need to think of at this stressful point in time. Would he develop insomnia due to application stress, or have near nervous breakdowns at every misstep? No, the High Priest knows that he is worthy, and doesn't doubt that he will be recognized by those he deems worthy.

Any school would be lucky to have me. I am powerful.


Bonus card: Five of Pentacles (cannot find picture)

This card fell out the moment I pulled the deck out of the box. I put it aside unseen, which I suppose is a good thing, because had I seen this before the High Priest, my spirits would not have been raised.

My initial thought was that this card signified loss, either the schools I don't get into, or the people I have to say goodbye to. But frankly, it seems a bit soon to have that card jumping out at me, particularly when one assumes I'll attempt to meditate at least once more before I'll even hear from a school.

No, what I see is the loss of control. I see that this is out of my hands for the time, and that I've given it all I can. I see that's frightening, and not always a good thing. The Universe could throw me any number of curve balls that change the situation entirely. Dragons float away, and a man walks away from a woman. The dragons are my control, the man is all that I could be doing. Now I'm alone, holding onto whatever I can to stay focused. Hoping that it's not too late, that I did all I could, that I'm not shooting myself in the foot with my prospects.

The five of pentacles tell me that the control has left. I know this. It's time I listen to the cards and accept it.

I'm using an old deck for me. The second deck I ever purchased. I was no more than fifteen when I got this deck, possibly younger. It recently made its way back into my life when a friend asked for a reading with the deck. I found a new spread and pulled out the colorful cards. Often leaning toward the optimistic, these cards have a playful quality I appreciate. Unfortunately I cannot find a site with the full deck, so I won't be able to do my usual linking. (Edit: found the card I pulled on a site)

Deck: Inner Child Cards

Card: Beauty & the Beast


This is the deck's version of the Strength card. This card is about loving those around you for what's inside; what you see with your heart rather than your mind. It's also about strength of character. In the original (and most) versions of the story, Beauty is the only daughter who isn't selfish, the only one willing to live with a beast for her father's sake. She has a purity of spirit and morality that I personally strive for. It's important to be selfless, but not at the cost of yourself.

Deck: Paulina Tarot

Card: King of Swords

This is someone who thinks before acting. Whose moves are deliberate and thought out. With my future so up in the air, I feel this is an important card for me to pull. I must remember to be confident in my decisions, and to take the time to be confident. To analyze and contemplate until there isn't a doubt in my mind.

The background images of the card, particularly the birds, make me think about looking at life from many angles. Of ensuring that I see the different aspects of a situation before I make decisions. Is the king aware of the birds who make a nest in his hair? Of the faces in the trees that watch him?

I believe he is and I too must be aware of the hidden forces in my life.

Deck: Heart of the Faerie Oracle

Card: The Lady of Faith (online picture unavailable)

The Lady of Faith is just as she sounds. She has a calm faith in the universe around her. She believes in herself, trusts that she is right, but without discounting what is around her. Her confidence isn't off putting but rather it's peaceful. You see her and covet that kind of self awareness; you want to be around her and be like her. She is a subject of awe.

It's sad that someone with a quiet confidence would be a subject of awe, but in truth that's how this world works. Women are taught at a young age to doubt themselves, that a woman is to be subservient to the culture around her. Most women who defy societies expectations go the opposite route, scream their confidence with such force that people are forced to back away. I can never be either sort of woman, not truly. It's The Lady of Faith that I strive for, a quiet confidence that can't be ignored but doesn't get in one's face. I wish to whisper my strengths, not scream them from the rooftop. It's important for me to know that I'm amazing, other people being aware is irrelevant.

That's what I must remember, more than anything else. My confidence is for me, not for others. I'm on a personal life journey.

Deck: Paulina Tarot

Card: Knight of Wands

He's on his way into battle and he's doing it on his own terms; a smirk on his face and atop a creature with more than enough legs. Two companions ride with him. He's confidant, showy and ready to go. His battle will not be won with weapons but rather with energy and perhaps wit.

I, like most people, sometimes forget about doing things on my own terms. I get caught up in what's expected out of life and forget that sometimes I'm a bit different. And I am different; it's part of my charm. And in truth it's the differences that will make me stand out in life, that will lead me down my path. I must be confidant in these differences. Go into life with the confidence of this card, the energy and the wit. I'm not a fighter in the traditional sense, but neither is he. That doesn't mean that in my own way I can't fight, it's my own way that will make me successful in the end.

It's been a while, hasn't it? Suddenly life got so chaotic that this simple act (which helped keep me sane) was out of place. Over the past two months I've gone through a lot of crazy and in truth this may be just what was missing. Just what was needed to bring me back down to earth.

Deck: Shadowscapes Tarot

Card: Seven of Cups

There is so much that I want for myself. Other worlds, other lands that will be the solution to all of my problems. I live in the future and sometimes forget what the present has to offer. I don't see the love at my fingertips because I want the love that is beyond my reach. I'm concentrating so much on how to get there that I can lose out on what's around me.

This is not an inaccurate statement in the slightest. Ever since going back to school two summers ago, I've very much started living in the future. Looking toward grad school and beyond. I feel that my life is in limbo and it's slowly driving me crazy. I must take time to appreciate the little things in my life, the moments in the here and now. I must spend time with the friends I have, not missing out on their big moments because of my need to study. I must remember my family and not allow them to drift away. I must treasure what's around me because I don't know if I'll wind up at the castle in the sky. I don't know where I'll be in five years or even next year. I have a goal but it's not my only true desire. It's possible that my future is in another castle.

Deck: Paulina Tarot

Card: Queen of Cups

She's so beautiful. So fulfilled. She's who I strive to become. Someone sensitive, content and compassionate. Her strength lies in her ability to connect to others. You see her and you feel comforted.

I need to find her in my life. My own life has been so chaotic as of late. My mind has been floating and my inner strength floats away. Where is the warm nurturing woman I once was? Where is my ability to remain calm and at peace with the world? All I see now is a stress case who is slowly unraveling.

I must find her, my inner Queen of Cups and embrace her. I must remember that she is within me; she is so strong within me that at times I resent her. But she's there and I can't allow myself to forget that. I must find my inner strength, heart and compassion.